I just hope it doesn`t cause any permanent damage.
-How long have you been here, anyway? -A while.
-You missed your prom? -Yeah.
The thing is, when I made that bet--
There he is. It`s Freddie. He`s wearing a tux.
What`s up? I met a whole other person inside of you.
There`s a whole other person inside of both of us.
Would the whole other person...
...like to dance?
Yes.
-Morning, sweetie! -Daddy!
-Why are you in here? -Why am I in here?
It`s her birthday, Dad.
Happy birthday, sweetie.
-What`s that buzzing sound? -I just need a minute, here.
Maybe it`s that construction.
Where`s my IittIe angeI?
Happy birthday, honey.
Grandma? Grandpa?
Rosco!
Rosco, go.
-HeIIo. -Father O`FIannagan?
I brought your speciaI friends from the center!
-Happy birthday! -Janey`s making faces.
It smeIIs in here.
Okay, make a wish, dear.
No.
This isn`t a typicaI high schooI.
At John Hughes, there are no cIiques, no excIusive sociaI groups.
You`re accepted for you, not who you hang out with.
We`II divide into groups so you can get to know your peers.
Let`s get aII you jocks in one group...
...and get you sIutty girIs over here by me.
Hey, how you doing? WeIcome.
You Iosers shouId hang out in the back.
That cIearIy incIudes you. Come on, get back there.
Take a Iook at the kid standing beside you.
They`re your onIy friends for the next four years.
Okay, Iet`s move it, peopIe!
-You need to start dating. -I don`t date. You know that.
Janey, you know Dad`s ruIe.
I can`t have sex before you.
I don`t conform to typicaI high-schooI norms.
I read SyIvia PIath, Iisten to Bikini KiII and eat tofu.
-I`m a unique rebeI. -More Iike you`re a Iesbo.
Mitch, Ieave your sister aIone.
Thank you, Daddy.
If Janey wants to be a rug-muncher, that`s her decision.
Go! Fight! Win!
Nice combination, Crissy!
I`ve been meaning to get that fixed.
Later, Dad.
I`II be Iate to pick you up.
Why? A job interview?
No, honey. I`II probabIy just be way too drunk.
That`s good. No drinking and driving.
Oh, I`II be driving. I`II just be too drunk to remember.
Okay. Bye, Daddy.
Bye, pumpkin-head.
-Oh, my God! -Get out of the road!
Oh, my God, it`s Jake.
-Hi, stud. -Hi, Jake.
-I Iove that thing with his eyebrows. -Those sideburns.
Oh, my God, there`s Jake. He`s so popuIar.
He just Iooked at me.
-Here. You can keep it. -Tiff.
Hi, Jake. It`s aII wet.
MeIanie.
Hey, Jake.
Hey, Arthur.
Here`s Ricky!
Hey, Ricky. How was your weekend?
Friday night I stood outside your window in the rain...
...screamng your name.
Then I spent Saturday and Sunday making you this great...
...I`ve-been-desperateIy-trying- to-teII-you-that...
...I`m-madIy-in-Iove-with-you...
...mix tape for your birthday.
A mix tape? That`s so sweet, Ricky.
See you in EngIish.
Catch you guy Iater.
What happening?
Damn, Shorty, Dog is pretending to be Asian, and shit.
That cracker is white! Can`t he see that, yo?
Did you get any action this weekend?
-I visit grandfather. -I pIayed with my sisters.
We`re pathetic.
How wiII we ever Iose our virginity by graduation?
-We`re freshmen. -What`s with the attitude?
-Not easy to get Iucky here. -GirIs are sensitive.
They`re not Iooking for sex. They`re Iooking for Iove.
Love me! Harder!
Amanda Becker.
She is so perfect.
Keep dreaming.
What`s up, Reggie Ray?
I can`t wait untiI Friday`s game.
What about your head? You have a bIood cIot the size of a grapefruit.
Five more concussions and you`II die. You shouId take it easy.
-Don`t Iisten to him. -Austin.
Mr. Not-First-String-Anymore, isn`t first-string anymore.
We know what happened Iast time Jake caIIed the pIays.
And now, our hometown hero...
...first-string quarterback, Jake Wyler!
MaIik, couId you hoId these books?
Sure. Why not? I am the token bIack guy.
I smiIe, stay out of the conversation...
...and say things Iike ``Damn,`` ``Shit,`` and ``That is whack!``
What`s she doing here? She graduated four years ago.
-Hi, Jake. -Catherine.
Can I ask you a question?
Why is it when I teII a guy to put it anywhere...
-...they aIways stick it in my ass? -Damn!
Way too much information.
Oh, no. Too much information wouId be teIIing you...
...that after they`re done I take a huge dump.
Shit!
On their chest.
Oh, that is whack!
PrisciIIa, there you are.
Jake, I need some T-to-the-fourth-power-Y.
Some time to taIk to you.
God.
It made sense to me, PrisciIIa.
You`re Ieaving me for this guy?
I`m sorry, Jake. We met over spring break.
I`m not ordinary.
You`re Ieaving me for this guy?
His name is Les...
...and he`s the most beautifuI thing I`ve ever seen.
And so is his bag.
Janey Briggs, please report to the office.
Being a foreign exchange student so scary...
...adjusting to a new schooI, a new country.
But you`II find that the students are very accepting.
-I am so happy to be in America. -You have a sunny disposition.
-You got your scheduIe? -I don`t need it.
I come to schooI to be object of Iust...
...for poor nerds who cannot get American pussy.
WeII, isn`t that wonderfuI?
Janey, come in.
This is AreoIa, our foreign exchange student.
Janey wiII show you to your first cIass.
Hi.
-I Iike your backpack. -Grazie.
Dude, I heard there`s an undercover reporter posing as a student.
Dude, no way, dude.
Do you know where Mr. KeIIer`s EngIish cIass is?
-Down the haII, on your Ieft. -Sweet, dude.
For the thousandth time, I said, ``SwaIIow that thing.``
Am I right?
How couId PrisciIIa dump me, Jake WyIer?
Who does she think she is?
I got two words for you, Jake:
Prom queen, materiaI.
Austin, she`s an iIIusion.
You take away the makeup, the cIothes...
...the way she wears her hair, the smeII of her perfume...
...that cute face she makes when she`s tonguing my baIIs....
Look, she`s repIaceabIe.
Given the right Iook, the right boyfriend...
-...any girI couId be prom queen. -I smeII a bet.
Jakey, Jakey, about to make a big...
...mistakey.
I`II pick the most hopeIess girI at this schooI...
...and I`II bet that you can`t turn her into prom queen.
You`re on, Austin.
I`II bet you Iose that bet...
...but Iearn a much more vaIuabIe Iesson, and win.
In Iife, that is.
You`re both on.
AII right.
Let`s find you a prom queen, Mr. Let`s-Find-Me-A-Prom-Queen.
What about her?
Baby`s got back. Hunch, that is.
No, way too easy.
-I have no pigment -Any girI with a guitar is hot.
I need sunscreen
Even a hippie aIbino. She couId be prom queen.
What about the FrateIIi sisters?
So they`re sIightIy disfigured and connected.
But combined, those two make up one pretty decent chick.
-I`d do them! -I know, Reggie Ray.
I`m Iooking for somebody reaIIy messed up.
I`m taIking about a reaI shitbomb.
WeII, bombs away.
No, no, no, anyone but her! Not Janey Briggs.
Guys, she`s got gIasses and a ponytaiI.
She`s got paint on her overaIIs! What is that?
There`s no way she couId be prom queen.
Damn, that shit`s whack.
Aim for the head!
Can you imagine what they do in there?
HoIy cow.
Guys, get your heads out of the gutter.
It`s a Iocker room. It`s no sexier in there...
...than it is in here.
MoIIy, can you heIp me take off my panties?
HoId on, I`ve got Iotion on my hands.
That`s okay. You can just use your mouth.
Thanks, Miss Peters.
So...
...who wouId Iike to share their poem with the cIass?
Mr. KeIIer? Over here. Right here. PIease.
Anyone?
PIease pick me. I`m the one.
Yes...
...Ricky.
-``Ten Things I Love About Janey.`` -Oh, not again.
By Ricky Lipman.
I love it when Janey talks I love it when Janey walks
I love it when Janey drinks I love it when Janey blinks
I love it when Janey says hi
I love it when Janey says See you in English
I love following Janey to the mall
And I love...
...collecting strands of Janey`s hair...
...and rolling them up lnto little Janey hairballs
Thank you, Ricky, for that interesting poem.
-I`m not sure we shouId be doing this. -Quiet. I hear them.
I can`t beIieve what we just did, MoIIy.
It was a once-in-a-Iifetime experience that wiII never happen again.
Shit, we missed it. Let`s keep going.
Hey, I found a buffaIo nickeI!
Jackpot.
GirI go pee-pee not what I want to see-see.
I agree-gree.
WouId you two pIease try and be a IittIe open-minded?
CIass, Iet`s open our books and continue with our poetry Iesson.
You know what I think about poetry?
Oh, is that amusing?
Is that what your generation considers humor?
This make me kind of happy in pants.
Goodness.
That make me kind of sad in pants.
Shakespeare, MoIiere...
...Oscar WiIde.
These were humorists.
I`m gonna be sick.
The subIime poetic genius of a cIever turn of phrase.
That is true comedy.
Heavens to Betsy.
Your modern, moronic, feebIe-minded, sophomoric excuse for wit...
...is mereIy a parade of nasty...
...fiIthy, vuIgar...
...human excrement!
Excuse me.
-Hey, Janey. What`s up? -Excuse me?
Ever want to be the most popuIar girI in schooI?
Anorexic, superficiaI?
A whore who Iacks any reaI Iong-term goaIs?
ExactIy.
If you`re interested, I thought we couId go out sometime.
Be seen in pubIic.
-We haven`t spoken in four years. -ActuaIIy, more Iike six.
That time when we were in Iine at that theater...
...I was actuaIIy saying ``hey`` to the person behind you.
Friday`s championship game is against North Compton...
...and that squad aIways tries to bring it.
-Bring what, PrisciIIa? -Bring it.
Right, but what is ``it``?
It`s just what they bring, okay?
New girI.
I`m Sandy Sue. It is simpIy sweII to meet aII of you.
Peachy. You brought a routine?
Oh, you bet.
Give me an H. Give me a U.
Give me a giant pussy-Iicking, ass-fucker cock shit!
I`m sorry. That was my Tourette`s.
I don`t know about her.
Let`s get it straight. This isn`t a cheerocracy.
I am the cheertator.
I make the cheercisions, I wiII deaI with the cheeronsequences.
If there are no more cheeruptions, we can cheertinue.
Thank you.
Grandpa stuck a finger in my ass! Cum face!
She`II cheer do. Great.
Goddamn it, Iet`s go now! Thirty-two draw!
Goddamn it! Let`s show some goddamn hustIe!
Look aIive out there! This isn`t a goddamn tryout!
-Goddamn it! -BIue 21 ! Hut!
What the heII?
Nobody`s covering that hoIe!
Goddamn it! Let`s do it again!
Marty! Marty! Marty!
AII right, Marty.
-Get your ass in there. -You sure?
Just go, goddamn it.
WyIer, we got this wrapped up.
AII you gotta do is run out the cIock.
For God`s sakes, don`t try anything fancy!
Goddamn it.
Listen, boys.
We got time for one more pIay.
-I say we get the baII to Marty. -Damn.
No, I`m just happy being on the fieId.
Coach reckons we shouId take a knee. We`re up 42 - 0.
I don`t care what coach reckons.
You can`t go through Iife being scared.
If you do, you`II aIways wonder, ``What if?``
But if you go out there and you give it your aII...
...that`s heroic.
Guys, I appreciate this, but--
That`s the spirit! Ready?
What are you doing? Get out of here.
Not here. Down there.
Over here?
What are you doing? Over here!
Here?
We Iove you, Marty!
Set, hut!
No. No.
No, don`t throw it to me.
No!
-Nice hands, Marty! -I did it.
-I`m a hero! -WaIk it off!
AII right, goddamn it! Hit the showers, goddamn it!
Bunch of candy-asses. Lousy practice!
We`II get our asses kicked Friday!
What about fourth-string? I didn`t get to practice.
After aII the shenanigans you puIIed Iast season...
...thank God you`re stiII in goddamn uniform, goddamn it!
If my parents hear I got detention, no dessert for a week.
We`ve disgraced ourseIves and our famiIies.
I sense the moraIe`s a IittIe Iow. I say we make a pact...
...right here, right now.
Before the end of the year, we aII get Iaid!
We aIways make that pact.
We`ve been waiting for this since puberty.
-Two weeks ago! -I just got first hair on baII.
I don`t think you understand.
We`II become the masters of our sexuaI destiny.
No Ionger wiII our penises remain fIaccid and unused.
No Ionger steaI Grandfather`s porn.
No Ionger wiII we use bIindfoIds when we jerk each other off.
AII right, that`s it.
What in God`s name is going on?
-What was that ruckus? -I no hear ruckus.
-I heard a ruckus. -Can you describe this ruckus, sir?
You better watch your tongue, young man!
We were just sitting here.
You just bought yourseIf another detention.
-That`s not fair. -Cry me a river, dickface.
-You bought another one. -Eat my shorts.
What was that?
Eat my shorts!
-Don`t mess with a buII. -I`m shaking.
-You got another. -Good!
-You through? -Not even cIose, bud.
-Want another one? -Yes.
-You got it! -Good.
-Another one. Had enough? -No.
-Another one. -So?
-I can keep going. -Go!
-Eenie, meenie, minie-- -Moe.
-Your mom`s a-- -Ho.
-He`s a famous cIown. -Bobo.
Mitch, cut it out.
-Another one. -But I was--
That`s another one!
-One more for Ox or for Mitch? -Another.
-I confused. -Shut up, Wang Chung.
I got you for the rest of your Iives. You`re mine.
Next time, I`m cracking skuIIs.
How many times have I said I`m not going to Princeton?
I`m not pressuring you.
Just give it four years.
If you don`t Iike it, you can work at my firm.
I don`t want your Iife!
That`s okay, son.
I heard about what happened with PrisciIIa.
The good news is...
...I`ve got the perfect rebound girI.
ReaIIy?
BeverIy! CouId you come in here?
That`s Mom!
What do you say, kiddo?
I`m gonna Ieave you two aIone.
Make me proud, son.
So, you in love?
-Yeah, I think I am. -Well, who is this guy?
His name is Blane. He`s a senior. He`s so beautiful.
Janey? Sweetheart?
Hi, Daddy.
Is something wrong? You were quiet at dinner.
You were passed out on the tabIe.
Listen, honey...
...I may not aIways be coherent or conscous...
...but I know when my girI`s got something on her mind.
WeII, there is this popuIar boy, Jake.
Oh, sweetie.
Jake knocked you up, didn`t he?
No, he asked me out.
Do you Iike him? Are you attracted to him?
I mean, wouId you give him head?
He is kind of cute, but...
...he`s aIways been a totaI jerk.
It`s weird that he`s taIking to me now.
EspeciaIIy after you`ve packed on a coupIe of pounds.
What do you think I shouId do?
Look, sweetie.
I never want you to do anything that compromises who you are...
...because you`re very, very speciaI to me.
If Jake is onIy asking you out to get into your pants...
...weII, then I`d say...
...go out with him.
You couId certainIy use the popuIarity points.
And if Jake Iikes you...
...then maybe those kids`II quit throwing bags of shit on the porch.
I feeI better.
Thanks for the advice, Daddy.
That`s what I`m here for, pumpkin-tits.
-I need to ask you a favor. -It`s about time.
No, not that.
You`re the crueIest girI in high schooI.
You`re the onIy one who can heIp trick Janey into Iiking me.
That girI with the gIasses and the ponytaiI?
Don`t forget the paint-covered overaIIs.
WeII...
...it`s going to be difficuIt.
But I think I can heIp you.
Sit.
For a price.
And this time, I don`t want your car.
I want you.
Catherine, that`s disgusting. You`re my sister.
OnIy by bIood.
-What is wrong with this famiIy? -Hey, do you want my heIp or not?
There are three things you need to do...
...to have Janey eating out of your hand.
First, you earn her trust.
Come on, Ieave him aIone!
Hey! Come on, guys, back off. That`s enough, okay?
You IittIe shit.
Don`t you guys mess with him again.
Once you`ve got her trust, it`s time to make her feel special.
Pick a song with her name in it. That always works.
She`s got a gun! Janey`s got a gun!
Take it easy, miss.
-Wait. -Get back here!
HoId her down.
Give me your hand! Just give us the gun, Janey.
Afteryou`ve made her feel special...
...it`s time to put the icing on the cake.
I`m reaIIy gIad you showed up, Janey.
The onIy reason I came here was to teII you to Ieave me aIone.
You know, I was just making a snack.
You want one?
No. Listen, Jake--
I`II be right back.
Hungry?
I don`t Iike sundaes.
It`s not a sundae, it`s a banana spIit.
I don`t Iike those, either. Goodbye, Jake.
I Ieft some money on the kitchen counter.
Emergency numbers are by the phone.
And remember, son: No parties.
I know, Dad.
Keg coming through. Hey.
What`s up, man?
We`re trusting you, Preston.
-Where do you want the speakers? -In the dining room.
You guys shouId hit the road.
I`m taking your Ferrari to buy hookers.
We`II caII you Iater to check in.
I`II be so high, I won`t know where the phone is.
That`s my boy.
Jake, what are you doing here?
I`m taking you to Preston`s big party.
I can`t.
I`m not dressed to go to a party. I`m a compIete mess.
I`d say you`re one big fucking train wreck.
Do I know you?
That`s it. I`ve got it.
What?
It might seem crazy, but you`II have to trust me.
That`s it.
I did it. I`m a miracIe-worker.
GentIemen...
...may I present to you the new and improved...
...Janey Briggs.
CongratuIations. You just got your first sIow-motion entrance.
I`m okay!
Janey?
Come on out of there, honey. Quit farting around.
-Got your mom`s car keys? -Check.
-SIeeping bags. -Check.
-Condoms. -Check.
Three pubescent Iibidos to take us on a series of wiId adventures.
Check! Road trip!
We here.
GentIemen, tonight we go to our first high-schooI party.
This is the pIace to buzz the BriIIo.
How you pIan on buzzing BriIIo?
With this Ietter. Amanda Becker wiII know the truth:
I`ve Ioved her since I first saw her.
WeIcome to the party.
If you`re going to have sex, do it in my parents` bedroom.
-Does she go to our schooI? -It`s not even the same person.
Janey-stainey-stained-pants-overaIIs?
How did you taIk me into this?
PrisciIIa`s freaking out now that Janey`s Iost her ponytaiI.
I`m going to go fuck a compIete stranger.
Hey, I`m a compIete stranger.
ReIax, aII right? It`s going to be okay.
Nice turtIeneck.
What`s your name?
I`m Sandy Sue. Limp-dick fag fucker!
Who toId you that? AIison?
AIison was bitter when we broke up.
-CompIeteIy fake. -Yeah, that`s not her reaI hair coIor.
-She`s wearing the same outfit as me. -It Iooks much better on you.
Where is she? I thought she`d be here by now.
What`s going on?
We can`t taIk untiI she starts moving again.
She took forever this time.
What are you doing here?
What do you mean?
I`m supposed to be the onIy bIack guy at this party.
-Damn. Shit. -Yeah, I know.
It`s whack.
My bad, man.
-Take this. -Thanks.
Do your thing.
-Peace out, brother. -Honest mistake.
Hi, my name is Catherine.
Yeah, I know. We just had sex five minutes ago.
Not scoring any cock, either?
Cock? I`ve never even been kissed.
What up, my yeIIow brothers? Chinks in the house!
Reggie Ray, have you seen Janey anywhere?
It`s a good night for smoking.
Ain`t that right, Sausage?
Okay, now cIose your eyes and wet your Iips.
-Are you for reaI? -Do you want to Iearn or not?
I guess.
-See? That wasn`t so scary. -It was nothing.
Okay.
Let`s try again.
OnIy this time, I`m gonna stick my tongue in your mouth.
And when I do that, I want you to massage my tongue with yours.
-And that`s what first base is. -Okay.
Eyes cIosed.
That was cooI.
Now...
...have you ever eaten pussy before?
You caII this a party?!
I`m a goIden goddess!
-Show us how drunk you are! -Go for it!
You`re a unique rebeI, Janey!
Janey, are you aII right?
-I toId you not to Iet me drink. -I gave you a nonaIcohoIic beer.
What the heII are you doing here?
I was invited.
Look, you may have Iost those gIasses and that ponytaiI thing...
...but you`re stiII a Ioser.
Look at that. Oh, my God.
That`s going to stain.
You`re not going to cry now, are you?
Look, you can`t just start a sIow cIap at any oId time.
-You gotta wait for the right moment. -When is it the right moment?
You`II know.
Nobody`s aIIowed down here.
Janey, I just thought--
How did you get in here? I deadboIted the door.
There`s a hoIe in the side of your house.
Who`s that?
-It`s my mother. -You have her eyes.
She died when I was 6.
I`m sorry.
I remember it Iike it was yesterday.
Christmas, 1 989. Dad had been fired from the zipper factory.
Mom was puIIing in tricks to make ends meet.
DanieI Day-Lewis won an Oscar for My Left Foot.
And aII I wanted was a IittIe Betsy Wetsy doII.
I remember those. Push her beIIy, she`d piss aII over herseIf.
She said she was going out to get my dad a bottIe of gin...
...but I knew she was going to get me that present.
It was raining reaIIy hard that night...
...and the roads were sIippery.
Oh, God, Janey. A car accident.
No. Cancer.
I had to take on aII of her responsibiIities:
Cooking and cIeaning and breast-feeding Mitch.
It`s in the past. Think about your future.
Look how taIented you are.
I have this dream of just hopping on a pIane and going to Paris.
There`s an art schooI but I can`t afford it.
UnIess I raise $26,000 before the admissions cutoff.
My parents give a schoIarship to girIs who can`t get into art schooI.
ReaIIy? That`s amazing.
This year we gave it to Lupe, the Mexican finger painter.
I think you`d reaIIy Iike her work.
Sometimes I wish my Iife was a fairy taIe...
...and some guy wouId come and take me away.
-My eyes were shut. -And we couIdn`t even--
-I`m going to go. -Okay.
Congratulations to the men and women nominated for prom queen.
Think you`II be prom queen? WeII, think again, Janey.
You put the ``ass`` in ``embarrassment.`` The ``boo`` in ``taboo.``
And the ``suck`` in ``Iiposuction.``
Is that the best you can do?
No.
You aIso put the ``brat`` in ``bratwurst.``
And the ``eew`` in ``jujitsu.``
And the ``ism`` in ``This is aII just a defense mechanism.``
So I toId her, ``Take the oId Iady and send your mama back.``
So, you asked your four-eyed circus freak to the prom yet?
We resent that!
Why don`t you just drop it, Austin?
Jake made a few paint stains in his pants thinking about Janey.
It`s just a bet. Okay, man?
You aIways had a thing for ugIy girIs...
...Mr. I-Have- a-Thing-For-UgIy-GirIs.
You mean Janey?
She Iooks as good as a dumpster fuII of gristIes.
BIing-bIing.
Janey Briggs...
...is hot.
-Hey, Janey. -Hey, Jake.
I`ve been doing a Iot of thinking...
...and there`s something I want to ask you.
I don`t want to make a big deaI of it...
...so I`m just gonna Iay it out there, okay?
Here it is.
See, I don`t Iike making big speeches.
I`m a straight shooter. I caII them Iike I see them.
What you see is what you get.
Ain`t nobody gonna break my stride. Ain`t nobody gonna sIow me down.
Jake, are you trying to ask me to the...?
Yeah.
I`d Iove to go with you.
Great. Great.
I`II see you in EngIish.
It`s time to pIay some footbaII!
The John Hughes Wasps take on the North Compton Wildcats.
Goddamn!
That`s the fastest haIf of footbaII ever.
We saw you at our practice. I know you stoIe our routine.
I don`t know what you mean. We do our own cheers. Right, girIs?
That`s right.
WeII then, you better bring it.
Oh, it`s aIready been broughten.
Nice comeback, PrisciIIa! Yeah!
We are the North Compton Wildcats
We`re black, we know it
We shake our booty and show it
We ain`t white We ain`t white
We definitely ain`t white Break it down, nigga
Damn, those bitches represent!
-Reggie Ray. -I smeII a bet.
You aII right?
Coach says it`s okay to bIeed from the ears.
I got to go back out on the fieId.
AII right. Be carefuI. You onIy have three--
Two concussions Ieft. Reggie Ray.
And we`re back.
Let`s go, Wasps!
BIue 33! Set!
That`s defense right there.
Say ``good day`` to Reggie Ray.
Sit down. He got the wind knocked out of him.
Come on, Reggie Ray, get up!
You stiII have another concussion!
Come on, dog!
It doesn`t Iook good, coach.
-Can he pIay? -He`s in a coma.
Answer my question! Can he pIay?
He can`t breathe. Get him to a hospitaI.
Listen right now!
I don`t care what you have to do! He stays in the game, goddamn it!
HoIy shit, this motherfucker`s heavy.
BIue 1 5!
Set! Hut!
Goddamn it, Reggie Ray!
Aw, shit.
Wham, bam! What the fuck just happened?
Okay, WyIer, I`ve got no choice. You`re the onIy quarterback I`ve got.
-I say give the ball to Marty. -l`m just happy being on the field.
-You`ll always wonder, ``What if?`` -l`m a hero!
Goddamn it! Get in the game!
You`re our onIy chance!
-You`re a pussy, WyIer! -Do it for Marty`s torso!
You got butterfIies, huh?
Who are you?
I`m the wise janitor.
I impart knowIedge and heIp overcome fears.
I aIso repIace the urinaI cakes.
I`m here to heIp you get your throw back.
-How did you--? -I`ve been watching.
During practice, in the haIIways, in the Iockers, taking a shower...
...whipping boys with a wet toweI.
-Can teII you kind of Iike that. -Hey! Let`s get back to the throw.
What happened to Marty wasn`t your fauIt.
ReaIIy?
Okay, it was. But you got to get over it.
It couId`ve happened to anybody.
Anybody that disobeyed the coach and the team...
...and threw to a 90-pound kid who shouIdn`t have been on the fieId.
Stop! How is any of this supposed to be heIping me?
Right. Forget what I said.
You got to go out there, beIieve in the baII and throw yourseIf.
You can do it.
I`m going out there.
Only 25 seconds remaining, and the season...
...rests in the hands of fourth-string quarterback Jake Wyler.
Translation: We`re shit out of luck.
Give me a W!
Give me a Y!
Give me a-- Lick my pussy ass cock shit!
BIue 83!
I reckon I`m feeIing better.
Set! Hut!
Shit.
That has to be the worst pass I`ve ever seen, ever.
What the heII was that?
-You did great out there. -I bIew the game, Janey.
I Iet everyone down.
It`s just a footbaII game, Jake. Besides...
...you didn`t Iet me down.
ReaIIy?
Jake, you`ve taught me to be myseIf.
You never saw me as the girI in gIasses.
Don`t forget the paint-covered overaIIs.
Right, you never noticed those either.
You taught me a Iot about myseIf too.
Oh, Jake. Nothing couId ever come between us now.
Jake WyIer.
CongratuIations. You bIew my perfect season.
-SenorYou-BIew-My-Perfect-Season. -What do you want, Austin?
A Iife.
And payback.
-Come on, don`t do this. -No, I`II hang around.
Maybe teII Janey a IittIe S-E-C-R-A-T-P....
What`s going on?
This isn`t funny!
No.
I don`t beIieve it.
I said I`d turn you into prom queen when I thought you were ugIy...
...the girI with no friends who was dirt poor and smeIIed a IittIe funky.
Look, I made a mistake.
If I couId go back, I never wouId`ve made that stupid bet.
What bet?
I never said anything about a bet.
AII I said was:
``I`m pretending to whisper...
...so Jake thinks I`m teIIing you a secret, and wiII confess...
...reveaIing a secret and confirming everything I whispered in your ear."
I wish I didn`t make that bet
That`s not the guy I want to be
If I could just turn back the clock
Then Janey would still be with me
Tell me, Mom, what should I do?
I love this boy
But he has been untrue
l`ll do my best to make things right
I wish we could resolve this fight
It could happen
At the prom tonight
l`m getting pussy no matter what
Even if it with dirty slut
True love is what I want the most
I justjerked off in your French toast
So what if we have the same mother
Tonight l`m going to fuck my brother
In a few hours l`ll be queen of the prom
l`ve been an alcoholic Since my first tour in Nam
I asked Janey to the prom And she doesn`t know why
l`m only in the song because l`m a black guy
I have no money I have to make my own dress
Look at me, my breasts are perky, yes
l`m gonna win her back No matter what it takes
Here I go, l`m gonna forget about Jake
Prom tonight
lt`s gonna happen, gonna happen
At the prom
Tonight
When I was a freshman, I threw 1 76 touchdown passes.
My sophomore year, I ran 14 in on my own with a sprained ankIe...
...a broken phaIange, a ruptured duodenum and a subdermaI hematoma.
I bet she great bonk.
Excuse me, Bruce? No. You don`t bonk Amanda Becker.
You make sweet, sweet Iove to her.
Amanda Becker`s Iike a fIower.
You smeII her.
You touch her gentIy.
You admire the beauty. You watch it bIossom.
And you thank God he created something so perfect.
Go to her.
Be strong, Mitch!
What do you expect from me?
-Do you think I`II have sex with you? -No! You don`t understand.
Because I am not a cheap sIut.
I don`t screw every pathetic guy that gives me a Ietter.
I give them handjobs.
-Want to dance? -OnIy if we`re horizontaI.
I totaIIy heard that.
We`re dancing.
It`s funny.
You`d never suspect everyone here is a professionaI dancer.
Oh, God. No.
I want to do it here on the dance fIoor.
Don`t you forget our deaI. She wins, you`re mine.
And now the moment every popuIar guy who`s made a bet...
...to turn a rebeIIious girI into prom queen has been waiting for:
The announcement of the prom king and queen.
This year`s prom king is...
Marty!
...Jake WyIer!
Way to go, Jake!
This year`s prom queen is....
You got it, PrisciIIa!
I don`t beIieve it. It`s a tie.
A tie?
-HoIy shit! -Oh, my God.
Your new prom queens are...
-...Kara and Sara FrateIIi. -Fuck.
-Oh, my God! -They deserve it.
CongratuIations!
There we go! Your king and queen.
I say we make Iike a tree and branch...
...out of here.
AII right, Kara and Sara.
Now, it is traditionaI for the king and queen...
-...to share a ceremoniaI dance. -Come here.
You smeII good.
Do you know where Austin went?
I know he rented a room at the Sunrise MoteI. Room number six.
Past the ice dispenser. Hit the Pepsi machine, you went too far.
Oh, and the door wiII not be Iocked.
That`s aII I know.
Thanks, MaIik.
You`re inteIIigent and insightfuI. You don`t get the respect you deserve.
You reaIIy mean that, Jake?
That`s great! I`ve aIways wanted to discuss--
I actuaIIy got to go. Sorry.
Motherfucker.
HoId it right there, mister.
I am not going to Iet you hurt Janey again, okay? Besides, I Iove her.
WeII, so do I.
But I`m the best friend, and I`ve been in front of her the whoIe time...
...and she just doesn`t reaIize it yet, but she wiII.
I`m the cooI guy who`s Iearned the error of his ways.
She`II forgive my mistakes and reaIize I Iove her.
Damn it. That`s true.
Why`s this door Iocked? It`s a fire hazard!
Get out of the road!
Hey, watch it, man!
She`s not attracted to you!
She doesn`t Iove you!
You`II never be more than a friend!
Two doIIars!
Ice dispenser.
Six.
Yeah! I`II make you forget aII about Iosing prom queen.
TeII me who your daddy is! TeII me who your papa is!
Get off her, man!
PrisciIIa.
Don`t move.
-What`s going on? -Something beautifuI.
-Where`s Janey? -Miss Run-Home-To-My-Daddy...
...ran home to her daddy.
-That`s for taking Janey to the prom. -You put the--
-That`s for hurting her at the party! -This is reaIIy turning me on.
That`s for being reaIIy weird.
Thank you.
I don`t know what that was for.
I never thought I`d hear myseIf say this...
...but for once, I wish I couId meet a nice, sensitive guy...
...who wanted more than just sex.
That is very admirabIe.
I wish a guy wouId take me out for dinner.
I feeI the same way.
And for once...
...I wish a guy wouId take a dump on my chest.
That is appaIIing.
That reaIIy upsets me.
I can`t beIieve nobody`s ever taken a dump on your chest.
WiII you be that guy?
It wouId be an honor and a priviIege.
HeIIo?
Is anybody home?
Get down! Enemy fire!
Mr. Briggs?
Excuse me, sir. Do you know where Janey is?
She went out there. On her own. There`s CharIie everywhere.
Right. Do you know where she went?
CouIdn`t take it. Went to the airport.
Something about Paris. Her tour was over.
Paris. Thank you, sir.
I need ammo! I can`t hoId them off much Ionger!
Off the road, you gIasses and ponytaiI freak!
Two doIIars!
-Two doIIars! -Two doIIars!
Next stop, airport.
The red zone is for the loading and unloading of passengers.
No parking.
Attention, please.
All red Porsche 944s parked in the white zone will be towed immediately.
Paris Air, flight 805 to art school in Paris...
...from gate 122, is now boarding.
Excuse me, everyone!
There`s a girI boarding a pIane right now to Paris, that I Iove.
If I don`t get there in time and teII her how I feeI...
...I may never see her again.
Go get her, son.
Good Iuck, young man.
-Go get her! -Go for it.
Oh, heII, just go.
Freeze, bitch!
You`re bIeeding on my suitcase.
Excuse me!
Excuse me, everyone!
There`s a girI about to board a pIane to Paris right now that I Iove--
We aIready heard that one. AsshoIe.
This is the final call for Paris Air flight 805 to art school...
...departing from gate 122.
Hey, shithead, that`s mine.
Give it back!
Just beIieve in the baII, Jake. And throw yourseIf.
Nice shot, Jake.
Thank God I got to you in time.
I`m not going to Iet you go to Paris.
-This is the final call... -Why not?
...for flight 805 to art school.
If you`re finding words to stop a girl from leaving, now would be the time.
I made that bet before I knew you.
Before I reaIIy knew me.
Oh, Jake.
Okay, hold it right there.
TeII me you didn`t quote Freddie Prinze Jr.
I knew it. That was a Iine from She`s All That.
I masturbate to that movie.
Do you mind?
No, not at aII. Masturbation`s very heaIthy.
Janey, you said you couIdn`t beIieve in someone that didn`t beIieve in you.
WeII, I beIieved in you. I aIways beIieved in you.
Oh, Jake.
Oh, God. I can`t believe you fell for that crap.
-That`s Pretty in Pink. -Are you sure?
Trust me.
-Excuse me. What are you doing? -Let me give you some advice, Jake.
Lose the I`m-The-Cute-And-Sensitive PopuIar-Boy routine.
It`s pathetic.
And teII Janey what`s true in your heart.
Stop being such a IittIe bitch.
And you. Miss Other-Side-Of-The-Tracks Awkward-RebeI-With-GIasses.
Wise up to Jake`s buIIshit. Stop being such a dumb-ass.
She`s right.
-Janey.... -Yes, Jake?
Maybe you shouId get on that pIane and go to Paris.
WeII, if you stay, we reaIIy onIy have the summer.
Then I go to coIIege. We`II spend the occasionaI weekend together.
Which is nice.
But chances are, one night I`II get wrecked and have sex with some girI.
You`II caII me a sIut.
I`II caII you a cocktease and we`II break up.
So when you reaIIy think about it, what`s the point?
WeII, that wasn`t exactIy the kind of truth I was expecting.
But I`m not gonna faII for it. How big a dumb-ass do you think I am?
You obviousIy stoIe that from Karate Kid.
No, actuaIIy, I--
Jake, it`s okay.
I Iove you too.
We aII know where this is going.
Fucking teenagers.
This is it.
The right moment.
Son of a bitch!
Betty...
...meet ApoIIonia.
We`re going to have a three-way.
Sun`s burned my cornea
I can no longer see
l`m not kidding Somebody please fucking help me
Quick! Grab her guitar.